Filling Myself

I know this is supposed to be a happy little seductive blog, where I, the entertainer, amuse and arouse, distracting you from all the crap that fills your life and the world in general. But today I just can't do it.

There's this thing which happens in sex work, a thing which can best be described as 'a downer' and as it isn't exactly a selling point it is often a hush-hush matter. Good sex workers know that you don't really want to hear about our days; paying for our time to tell you what's in our heads or otherwise vent seems unfair if not ludicrous, right? But that's part of the problem.

Sex work is all about you, the client. But I'm not suggesting you, dear caller, or any client of sex workers needs to change the dynamic. A good sex worker knows the score -- and the score is that our time together is about you.

But it does take its toll.

Everyone knows that moms, especially stay-at-home moms, hunger for a combination of 'adult conversation' (i.e. a conversation quality that children can not have, which involves listening and care for the other person) and a sense of their own identity (i.e. being more than Susie's mom and Bob's wife). Sex workers experience the same sort of cravings.

We too want, need, conversations in which someone listens to us and considers our needs, not just their own. We too want, require, some identity besides that of servicing sexual needs.

Like moms, we don't hate what we do, nor those we do it for; but we do have our own needs too. And they need looking after.

The condition of being 'there' for others -- not just present, but 100% focused on the client and at the mercy of the client's schedule -- is one of giving. But as any mental health practitioner will tell you, no one can give & give & give without receiving too. Reserves run empty.

We sex workers need to fill ourselves.

This need, if left unaddressed, can easily become neediness. Dangerous, disruptive, desperate neediness.

For example, as a married woman, it would be all too easy for me to expect my husband to fill my emotional needs. Ideally, our relationship would provide some of that (and it does), but when a sex worker has run on empty she may become a 'taker' who expects her partner to give & give & give to her without receiving any himself. When that happens, you have a relationship problem. No one should be in the position of caretaking to the extent their own needs are not met; it undermines the foundation of the relationship and usually weakens, then dissolves it.

It isn't only a risk for sex workers with partners; it can be a dangerous place for single sex workers too. A needy sex worker who finds herself with regular client -- especially one with whom they spend many hours together (publicly or privately) -- may quickly find herself believing the conversation, flattery & attention is about herself and not the professional relationship. When that happens, you have a business relationship problem.

When you take the 'professional' out of that relationship, the sex worker has not only lost a client (and income), but control. Soon the shoulder she leans on (and gives sex to) is calling the shots -- and even with the nicest of people, with the best of intentions, this is dangerous.

What happens when your significant other becomes unemployed or otherwise loses their income? They become more dependent upon you, not just financially but emotionally. They are needy. And if they find no other well to drink from, they'll have you quickly running dry. Again, not just financially, but emotionally; so here you are at risk, again, of weakening and dissolving the relationship.

So, if a sex worker should not become too needy and reliant upon partner or client, what ought she do? How will she fill herself enough to be able to continue to be a good, giving sex worker?

A wise sex worker knows when to take breaks, to make sure the rate of giving isn't larger & faster than the rate she is receiving -- and she does this as often as is needed.

There is no set schedule for this. Obviously the individual is just that, a unique person with her own set of needs and her own work load which contains its own set of specific client needs. A wise sex worker will realize when she is starting to run low and give herself a break.

Like moms, sex workers need to be self-aware enough to know their limits and pro-active enough to do something before it gets to bad they burn-out.

For some (moms & sex workers), this may be as simple as a bubble bath, or painting their nails when no one is around (family in bed; phone turned off). For others it may be a hobby -- painting, bowling league, or jogging. Something they do just for themselves which is treated as a regularly scheduled event that no one, not even themselves, can erase from the calender. For others it may mean social gatherings with others who know their plight.

Moms and sex workers have two of the least respected professions -- and the oldest. Perhaps it is the general femaleness of the population of workers in each of these professions which keeps them relegated to the low-rungs on the respect ladder... I don't know for certain. Stay-home dads face it too, but then most are mocked & compared to women (and there's nothing worse for a man to be called than a 'woman' in our society -- and that's a huge topic for another time). But both the mother and the sex worker face ridicule of their work.

Good moms and good sex workers know that their work, their charges, are important. More than kind-hearted, more than dedicated, many consider their work sacred. They know that the person they serve, be they a small being born of their bodies or a full grown being they've never met before, has been trusted to their care for a short a period of time. (No matter how long that amount of time is, it is but a piece of sand on the beach of time; yet they wish to do great things with it.) We nurture, we teach; we care, we give.

But we face a world which derides, devalues, & even denounces our work.
This lack of respect 'takes' from people who are already so busy giving on a daily basis. Even those who do not stand-up and demand respect be given for the valid and valuable work they do suffer; they face the slow but steady drain of energy 'out'.

It's easy to see why we can end up burned-out.

If we don't stop and take care of ourselves.

It's difficult for us to make the time to do this. We feel any time away, any periods of time we 'take' which renders us inaccessible, is abandoning our charges. After all that energy spent convincing others that our work matters (even if only said in our own heads), it seems counter-intuitive to leave them. Intellectually we know that we must take care of & replenish ourselves in order to be able to give as we do, as we are needed to do; but our hearts are willing to sacrifice, to run until they are empty, and tell us to read just one more story, take just one more call...

Our hearts may be strong; I believe they are. But our brains know that despite the best of intentions we cannot run on empty.

If/when we try, we do a great disservice to those we wish to service.

The truth is, we won't just run & run & run -- then fall down, The End. We will give & give & give -- then snap, cry, and resent. We will not be martyrs who were great until the end; we will be bad moms and bad sex workers who will receive the worst of judgments: Failure. Our charges, the children and clients we had so joyfully pledged to care for, will not receive our best; and in their memories even the great, grand, giving moments will be attached to the small, petty, weak ones.

And we don't want that.

I don't want that.

So from time to time (like this week), I had to take time away -- in order to better serve you.

But do not worry; I shall always return.